I Want a Husband (Judy Brady style imitation)

I want a husband who will take care of me, a husband who will support me. I want a husband who will work hard so I don’t have to, who will pay for all my expenses so I never have to worry about money.  I want a husband who will give me free reign on his credit cards so I can throw lavish parties and buy expensive things. I want a husband who will never question my expenditures; when he discovers I’ve made a new purchase, he will congratulate me joyously.  I want a husband who is not afraid to spend money.  I do not want a stingy husband  I want a husband who will buy new cars every year and waste his bonuses on season tickets for sports teams he doesn’t like.  I want a husband who will buy me expensive gifts too, diamond necklaces, pearl earrings and a new convertible for me to drive around.    I want a husband who will pamper me with anything and everything I want.

I want a husband who will support me in all my endeavors.  Rather I want to go back to school, take a sewing class or open a gourmet cupcake shop, he happily open his check book, smiling as he signs.  “Good idea honey,” he will say, or “I’m so proud of you, you’re so smart and successful, you hardly need me at all!”  Both he and I will know I actually do need him, but we will still marvel at my abilities.

I want a husband who shares my interests.  I want a husband who loves to travel, who won’t hesitate to plan an international trip on a moment’s notice.   I want a husband who is intelligent and cultured.  I want a husband who enjoys going into the city to see plays and art exhibits and delights in witnessing me find the perfect pair of shoes.  However, my husband’s love for the arts will not detract from his manliness.  I want a husband who is athletic.  Specifically, I want a husband who is a superb volleyball player so we can play beach doubles together on weekends and teach our children to be even better volleyball players than we ever were.  

I want a husband who is manly, who cannot clean, cook, do laundry or care for the children because that’s not what men do; that’s why we hire a housekeeper, cook and nanny.  I want a husband who delights in watching Monday Night Football and violent action movies.  I want a husband who can fall asleep quickly, keeping me up as his ferocious snores make the room quake.  I want a husband who will dispose of spiders, or anything else that creeps or crawls.  I want a husband who can fix anything. When the internet doesn’t want to work, he knows how to restart the router.  When the garbage disposal is clogged, he can fix it.  We could always hire a repair man, but we don’t need to, my husband can do it all.

I want a husband who is loving, who cares deeply for me and my children and isn’t afraid to show it.  I want a husband who will pamper his family with material comforts, time and affection.  I do not want a husband who is mushy though.  I want a husband who doesn’t dramatically declare his undying affection for me everyday, opting instead to show his love through his actions.  In short, I want a husband that will fulfill all the duties traditional to a husband, and then some.  In fact, who wouldn’t want my husband?